An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.
Pausing before one gravestone, he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 pounds, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has.”
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now, there’s a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 pounds and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has.”
The little boy thought for awhile and then said, “You know, Granddad, you are very lucky.”
“Why”? asked the old man in surprise.
“Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money waiting when you get there!”
Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar.
It was after eleven o’clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town Cemetery. He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn’t manage to climb out.
“Help!” he cried out. “Help! I’m so cold!”
A little while later, another over indulged inebriant left the bar. As luck would have it, the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry.
“Help, I’m so cold!” Joe continued to call.
The other man staggered in the direction of the voice. It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery.
“Help! I’m cold! Help! I’m cold!”
The second man followed the voice and approached the grave. As he peered over the side, Joe looked up and yelled one more time,
“Help! I’m cold!”
“Of course you’re cold, replied the second drunk, peering down.”You’ve kicked off all your dirt.”
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director
to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
