A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.”
Then he rolled it between his fingers adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the lawyer asked, “What do you have there mister?”
The drunk stammered, “Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The lawyer said, “Let me take a look.”
And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
“Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table.
Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!”
The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
